#696

Unless you're underage, driving, or Mormon, you really have no excuse.

#695

Sofritas make you cough.

#694

Every time you jump, you literally fall off the face of the Earth.

#693

You can justify or refute any argument by ending a statement with "...but still..."

#692

Sleepiness is the only condition that cures itself.

#691

Earrings could be heavier if my hat was made of whispers and dreams.

#690

Tomatoes are like rum and jazz.

#689

Wait, when did it become Christmas all of a sudden?

#688

Hiccups are anti-yawns.

#687

This took both more and less time than I expected.

#686

Man, squirrels are dumb.

#685

It's finally freaking cold out, unfortunately it's also freaking cold out.

#684

It doesn't matter how good or similar to Sunkist it is, I am the final judge of whether or not I will feel it feel it.

#683

I'm too critical for children.

#682

When you think about it, the Predator plasma caster is one of the worst designed weapons ever, functionally speaking.  It still looks super awesome.

#681

I'm not sure how they do things back in France, but here, when you say the 16th, it means the 16th.

#680

I'm pretty sure my room doesn't have CO, so why are you beeping?

#679

My brain is just a giant bingo tumbler with ideas instead of ping pong balls.

#678

Ok, fine, I fixed it.  Happy?

#677

I'm just gonna leave it like that. You can figure it out.

#676

Anything that advertises removable spaulders is cool in my book.

#675

Thats how it work, coldness comes from breezes.

#674

I actually have legit toe armor.

#673

Wait, its already December?

#672

What if you died really suddenly at some point in the past and didn't realize it and everything right now is just a death dream?

#671

Any meat can be a breakfast meat if you want it hard enough.

#670

I will put this promo code to good use.

#669

Which Metal Gear game is Banana Some White Guy from?

#668

I still don't really care about Rainbow 6 Siege but Idris Elba is one hell of a spokesman, I'd almost buy it for that reason alone.

#667

Athena is pretty cool, all I'm saying is she's not the kind of person you'd want on a 90's Nickelodeon contest show.

#666

Sorry if you were all hyped about today's post but I don't believe in a "devil" or "hell" so it's really just another number.  Either way, its probably just Baphomet or electrical TV demons or whatever.  Blame Witch Doctor from Street Fighter.

#665

Sure is a shame no one went shopping this weekend, what with the huge success of Amazon Prime Day back in summer.

#664

Ethan is just here to explain the zippers.

#663

Ok, yes, this kid has some sort of speech impediment or learning disability, but he is spouting some super misogynistic nonsense right now.

#662

Ankles are just like Photoshop.

#661

It's thanksgiving, I could have left today without a thought, but whatever, here you go.

#660

I got the fettufredo alccine.

#659

The Yoko Ono of an entire civilization.

#658

I don't understand it either but for some reason I think its goddamn hilarious.

#657

Pamp Brampus

#656

Bramp Pampus

#655

I never realized how many lines from Avenue Q songs can be used as legitimate notes while watching Star Trek.

#654

"I hate watching left stuff."

      -Jill

#653

Photoshop at least still works, ProCreate, on the other hand, has actually just given up completely.

#652

Error: Photoshop has given up.

#651

Dammit blogger, just do the thing right instead of not right at all.

#650

Magma, whatever.

#649

I mean, obviously any igneous rock is cold lava, but is obsidian still technically liquid lava?

#648

If glass is just a super slow liquid, does that mean that obsidian is just really cold lava?

#647

Whoops, I still can't numbers right.

#646

Ah, 4 years ago today, no one went to see Immortals.  Good choice, everyone.

#645

I had forgotten how horrible and grotesque the Rugrats look compared to most modern cartoons.

#644

Well, this is pretty far overdue...

#643

Sorry Russia, I'm spoken for.

#642

I'm not sure why I'm getting so much traffic from what looks like a Russian social/dating android app...

#641

Mountain Dew Game Fuel is made of Jarknoids.

#640

Euclidian geometry in video game level design is so last gen.

#639

I didn't even realize Halo 5 came out.  I knew they made a Mega Bloks figure of Mickey, though.  Shows where my interest in the franchise has gone.

#638

I know enough to complain properly but not enough to do anything about it myself.

#637

The Internet produces a lot of excess heat.

#636

I understand pedestrian right of way, but if you step out in front of me like an idiot, my car is still going to kill you.

#635

I did my trick-or-treating in the candy aisle of the grocery store this year.

#634

Chris from RE5 totally teamed up with Leon from RE4 along with Claire from Code: Veronica.  Yep, that's what happened.

#633

I think I'm running out of these

#632

They're actually not allowed to say "you're welcome."

#631

Youth sports teams are the absolute worst at ordering food.

#630

It's not my job to know what phones are.

#629

I'm just full of ideas for fake stuff.

#628

The hype has not dissipated.

#627

What if Perseus had a big machine-gun?

#626

This dude seriously just turned around and meowed.

#625

Look at this cool thing, I'm gonna wave it around.

#624

That's really funny but I don't think I can put that on here.

#623

I think Enya is actually spouting crazy gibberish but just sounds good doing it.

#622

The punctuation confuses them.

#621

Way to go, wehf.  You couldn't even steal a very good joke.

#620

Onions just taste like apples that sting.

#619

Would Captain America be into Metal Gear Solid?

#618

There's only one way to be and that way is Tim.

#617

You know, that one song by the Shins, the one that goes like "mehh neh myeh hehhh behnyehh.."

#616

You guys said it was fine and it wasn't fine, now take my money.

#615

I'm pretty sure it's pronounced "wehf."

#614

Remember when Alien vs Predator happened today?

#613

I will call them Pasadestrians.

#612

Waspkeleton is a Tron Iso.

#611

I would be perfectly ok with my taxpayer money being spent to build an actual highway to the danger zone.

#610

Ukraine, where'd you go, man?

#609

You can't actually see water.

#608

Still makes more sense than Terrance Howard.

#607

Only with microwaves is 60 = 100 true.

#606

This is why worms don't build houses.

#605

Who cares?  It's totally becoming a thing.

#604

Who the heck is Waspkeleton and where did they come from?

#603

Its not so much a convention as it is a toy store with a cover charge.

#602

Are you ever just compelled to do front flips?

#601

Magnets sound like dubstep when they do the magnetting. Confirmed.

#600

I hate experiencing horror in movies and games and whatnot because even after it's been turned off, I tend to internalize whatever made it so frightening and I carry that with me.  I don't mean spooky horror where something jumps out and yells boo.  I actually handle that pretty well.  What gets me are the more psychological takes on it that really get into your head.  If I am driving by myself at night, it is almost certain that at some point I will see the shadow of something along the side of the road and I will convince myself that it is something bad and end up seriously freaking myself out.  Even to this day, I refuse to approach or even look out of certain windows in my house when it's dark out.  I don't even remember what specifically put this fear into me but I've had it as long as I can recall.

#599

I guess I'm just in a power-metal kind of mood.

#598

I think I've gotten to the point where I can understand owning two iPads for just myself.

#597

I'm running out of these lately.

#596

I'm pretty sure at least a quarter of the standard British lexicon consists of nonsense words that they pass off as euphemisms and innuendos.

#595

There's no such thing as a pull force except for gravity and vacuums.

#594

It's like painting with a cat.

#593

If you almost hit me with your car, I'm going to do the John Cena hand face thing at you.

#592

I could not be less glued to my screen.

#591

I don't think I've ever been so disappointed to hear that everything is probably fine.

#590

Why are years only ever expressed as either 2 or 4 digits and never 3?

#589

Nothing you see will ever be as scary as what you thought you saw.

#588

I just want to take a nope.

#587

This is not a Yay moment.
      -Christian

#586

I haven't punched in a while.  My knuckles are getting hairy.

#585

Ukraine is really interested in the most random things.  First it's 3D printers and now Genesis (the band).

#584

...But I think I have to do this.

#583

...Or the look of the new Halo...

#582

...But I don't like Boomco...

#581

I like Halo...

#580

I'd vote for Jesse Ventura.

#579

Everyone get hyped for G.I.Joe: Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Tomb Raider 2: Reloaded Electric Boogaloo and Furious 7: The Backdown: A Wes Anderson Film.

#578

You probably just need more water.

#577

People often mistake timsical thoughts as having to come directly from Tim, however, they only need to evoke Tim in their nature.  Anyone is capable of thinking timsically.

#576

Apparently I'm just the best at jet lag.

#575

If you work hard and put your mind to it, there's no limit to what you can quit.

#574

It's never too late to back down.

#573

You can make anything sound like a wrestling move if you call it "the [location] [verb]."

#572

It really sounds like they're saying "Qu'est qu'il fait dans Sailor Moon?"

#571

And Ukraine, like Randy Orton, just outta nowhere.

#570

Pre-selecting socks saves a lot of time.

#569

It's weird how stuff can be dry or wet and still be fine but only being slightly damp is a big problem.

#568

Spinning sick beats up dog yo homie with the jams.

#567

He's got all the time in the wuddelt.

#566

Why are they pushing skeleton motocross so hard?

#565

Dragonflies are quantifiably the coolest bugs ever.

#564

You suck, Carter.

#563

Now you're X like a Y, you XY.

#562

I don't understand why anyone wouldn't just buy family sized boxes of cereal.

#561

Someone get me a 3D printer, stat.

#560

Connect to the Wifi! Come ahhnnn! I'm right here, do eet!
      -Dutch from Predator at home

#559

Getting stabbed makes you super sleepy.

#558

Someone has lost a glow band.  Ethan has a glow band now.

#557

I'm just saying, they get along rrrrrrlly wlllllllll...

#556

I'm kinda sad people swear so much because it makes swearing less fun.

#555

Good lord, that's a lot of 5s.

#554

I ordered an ID so they had to check my mojito.

#553

Atlantis sunk because they gave the fish coffee.

#552

How high do you have to go for a can of soda to explode?

#551

I don't know why I'm thinking about space so much...

#550

A laser weapon in space wouldn't have a visible beam, you'd just point it at something and it'd start getting hot.

#549

I'm breaking my brain thinking about lasers in space.

#548

Since light can't escape a black hole, perhaps that's why to us, faster than light speed is only theoretical since achieving it would in theory allow us to escape our own reality.

#547

What if we're all already in a black hole in compressed space?

#546

How would you know if you were in a black hole?

#545

I just don't understand how none of you have heard of an Allosaurus.

#544

Go get yourself a Rival, you deserve it.

#543

Blaze it on the 20s.

#542

Earth is already a space ship when you think about it.

#541

...Or a rap.

#540

...Or a rap...

#539

Ethan is a seagull king and an asymptote.

#538

I got knives on my brain.

#537

Street Sharks takes place in Delaware.

#536

Beer launches a boxing glove at a brain all the time.

#535

Why does my phone know the word Verumpsalo?

#534

If no one has made an AMV of "Invisible Touch" by Genesis for Elfen Lied, the anime community has failed its duties.

#533

I don't get what everyone's issue with the Crossbolt is.

#532

Apparently only the Northern Hemisphere gets it.

#531

Jim: the other white meat.
     
      -Christian

#530

Legendary Jedi Nanabin Sherwalter.

#529

The only word to describe this amount of rain is gratuitous.

#528

Now we all have gold space men.

#527

I wouldn't invite Anita Sarkeesian to my birthday party.

#526

Mormons need bargains too.

#525

These are some heavy chips, bro.

#524

No one uses 2/8 time except for this guy.

#523

I couldn't care less about the Batman games but I do really like the design of the Arkham Knight character.

#522

I'm pretty sure you like knuckle-spine.

#521

Oh my god, you're back.  You're not allowed to do that again any time soon.

#520

It's eons of centuries old.

#519

3:00 am is the new midnight.

#518

I completely withdraw #200.

#517

These chips are so sweaty.

#516

I already sang the Captain America theme song last year so I can't do that again.

#515

Movies are just real-time spoilers for themselves.

#514

Ducks in whirlwinds, well known for backpedaling.

#513

The lesson for today is watch your head.

#512

Surprised is pink lemonade.

#511

I totally missed 4,000.

#510

I am the storm bringer!

#509

It's beginning...

#508

Gotta go crunchy.

#507

One man's blade arms is another man's giant fighting fists.

#506

Snakes look like air quotes.

#505

If people had long enough legs, we could survive any fall.

#504

The success of the trip can be measured by the amount of screeching.

#503

It looks like we're trying to run a Doritos cartel.

#502

It's a glaughche.

#501

"Alright you busted monkey, come on."

      -Ethan

#500

I'm not a very expressive person when it comes to emotions, especially when it comes to TV, movies, games, etc.  That being said, the strongest reaction I've ever had was to the ending of Shadow of the Colossus. Without spoiling anything, it is such a sad, epic conclusion to a huge adventure which is unlike any other game I've ever seen. I cannot recommend it highly enough to anyone who has a chance to play it.

#499

I know what you're thinking out of
your mouth.

#498

It's only an animal if the name changes when you eat it.

#497

If science is so clever, why are washer and dryer machines still separate things?

#496

Ah, the refreshing taste of skittles and... milk...

#495

I'm actually having a crisis over cider.

#494

The land of low clouds.

#493

Doves sound like they're trying to be owls.

#492

Yay, trains.

#491

Don't think of it as falling, it's just gravity turning off.

#490

Why do these dinosaurs smell like pot?

#489

I don't care what you say, laughing is weird and I am not weird for thinking that.

#488

Try not to think about spiders in your hair.

#487

It's like a bus on wheels.

#486

Bollocking heck!

#485

They sure like the word "bespoke" here.

#484

It was funny the first few times but it quickly loses its charm after hearing "cockfosters" that often.

#483

Airplanes are the jocks of the human world.

#482

I'm all for making big stretches in puns for the sake of a bad punchline, but this takes it to a whole new level.

#481

Don't skip the asparagus.

#480

It's just the sound of something spinning real fast.

#479

Fighter jets are basically the closest thing we have to functional jet packs.

#478

If it's cloudy, you're technically underwater.

#477

Apparently you can't dance in a 7-eleven.

#476

I just image searched "sandwiches "because I was hungry. Big surprise, it didn't really help.

#475

You're right, Tron Widow flows much better than Black Tron-ow.

#474

Do you ever notice how big legs are? Just legs in general, not any specific legs.

#473

Plane trip!

#472

To ra i su to ra i kaa.

#471

I cannot describe or explain how happy clouds make me.

#470

My car has no business being this bassy.

#469

What is this?  Bad mail service week?

#468

What the hell is a Jarknoid?

#467

Assemble Borg, more Assemble Borg now.

#466

I would make a poor bat.

#465

Short, dark, and flutist.

#464

Do the decide.

#463

You're not from around here because we schwa the whole thing.

#462

It's just horrible horrible ducks.

#461

Little stupid.

#460

Only old people smell like old people, nothing else smells like that.

#459

Just don't get hit with a hammer.

#458

If Captain America tells you he feels sick, don't get out of your car.

#457

Nothing bad happens around cinnamon buns.

#456

Have you seen the merch?

#455

My hand is an air boat.

#454

There's no speed limit in the sky.

#453

There's no "I" in ULTRON.

#452

Every cloud has a silver ULTRON.

#451

Maybe she's born with it.
Maybe it's ULTRON.

#450

Hey Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for ULTRON?

#449

Like finding a needle in ULTRON.

#448

The bigger they are, the harder they ULTRON.

#447

Revenge is a dish best served ULTRON.

#446

Yogurt is just fruity pudding.

#445

Don't worry, it's just magnetic and made of titanium.

#444

I live here.

#443

I don't want to be weird to a taco.

#442

"Take me to church,

 I'm a dog on a cross with a pig in my hand"

-Christian

#441

I didn't realize the Avengers had sweatpants tech.

#440

Remember when Daredevil went "Nyeeehhhhhh..."?  Well he can back it up too.

#439

Now you can rock climb into orbit.

#438

I'm gonna clean up the vanilla streak.

#437

That was embarrassing, apparently I don't know how numbers.

#436

I'm a terrible influence on myself.

#435

Space things in space doing space stuff always look cool.

#434

We're like the Highlander.

#433

Half of looking like a strong guy is just having tight sleeves.

#432

Perhaps it's because I'm a cyborg.

#431

It's almost like you don't want to be restrained.

#430

Ohhh... That's actually way more clever than I gave it credit for.

#429

You're telling me this whole time it was just hot sauce and butter?

#428

Noses face down so we don't drown when it rains.

#427

Maybe I want to be a parfait.

#426

Wood is actually pretty good, I don't know why everyone assumes wood always sucks.

#425

Scott McNeil can't be that special.

#424

Like taking ammo from a baby.

#423

We're just over here, hammer dueling.

#422

"Sometimes I forget she has two eyes."

      -Jill

#421

3,000, goddamn.

#420

"Hey, Fritos are sharp."

      -Ethan

#419

CPR is necromancy.

#418

If one has a bump, it's the other one.

#417

The national sport of Russia is bad driving and dashboard cameras are the official sponsor.

#416

Nothing goes bad when you're dead.

#415

Don't advertise this as your poke range and then tell me to get in it.

#414

Noodles & Company is basically a guaranteed accidental curly.

#413

You're here because you do what you do.

#412

"Big enough you could kill someone with it" is totally a legitimate measurement of size.

#411

If you kiss someone while they fart, it's like you're playing the human trumpet.

#410

Yuck, cursive.

#409

I'm not a music person so I don't understand half of them, but music terminology has the coolest words.

#408

I wish this room had better carpet so I'd want to lay on it.

#407

Tahu is just angry because he's short.

#406

I am excessively pumped for Rival.

#405

Sometimes a chain, but also a saw.

#404

Pi was not found.

#403

It's probably just Baphomet.

#402

Blatant obvious.

#401

Isn't that just called "doing things normally?"

#400

I think it's no secret that I am pretty strongly introverted.  Even with people I am close to and spend a lot of time with, sometimes I will just need some time to myself to recharge.  That being said, I cannot stress how important these people are.  This blog may well be a look into the workings of my brain, but all machines need something else to make it go.  On my own, I can go for days without a single thought worthy of putting up on here, but when I'm around people, it's not uncommon to for me to come up with at least three good thoughts in a single evening.  Without them, this blog would probably not be the way it is now, if it even existed at all.

#399

There was nothing here but now it's gone.

#398

It's like opposite river dance.

#397

I wish I had a lathe.

#396

Not philosophical, I meant philosophal.

#395

Trees are good for you on a philosophal level.

#394

I honestly thought the term was "tie raid," like if you robbed a Men's Warehouse.  You can understand my confusion.

#393

I'm not used to feeling my ribs through the front.

#392

Zombie dogs!

#391

You guys having fun?  Well guess what.  Poo poo on you.

#390

I kinda want that person to show up and be a jerk so I can have justification for being a jerk back.

#389

Don't knock it till you've confirmed it's human.

#388

There's just pizza.

#387

It doesn't matter if it's original, it still sucks.

#386

These are some pretty pricey socks, bro.

#385

Smörgåstårta - Sandwich cake.

Why don't we have that here?

#384

If you're gonna push something, it has to be for SummerSlam.

#383

"Twinkle twinkle art is hard, I can't draw."

      - Jill

#382

Japan is Dr. Cox.

#381

I'm excited to have this many pockets.

#380

Thanks Zack.

#379

Puns are the devil's psalms.

#378

I swear, it's not drugs, we just get this way on our own.

#377

Is there a correlation between being a lefty and being a leftist?

#376

If any day is it, today is the day where I'm allowed to be gross.

#375

The farthest of the points.

#374

Oooh... Sour fail.

#373

I'm not better than you because I have money, I'm better than you because I have swords in my arms.

#372

And the Peter Gabriel just starts freaking out.

#371

What if we got rid of taxes and instead funded government and infrastructure with crowd funding, like Kickstarter or Indie Gogo?

#370

I'm quoting myself from right now constantly.

#369

Blue monkey poor king.

#368

Where does your blood go when you sleep?

#367

I got one question, man.  Tell me who's next.

#366

What if your bones went on strike?

#365

Man, what a thoughtful year.

#364

Depending who you ask, it can either be a groundhog or an old hag.  Either way, it's Imbolc.

#363

Let's mix it up and go backwards this time.

#362

I like having my music library having random quips from Eddie Izzard thrown in.  It's like my iPod is interrupting itself because it remembered a funny story.

#361

What is up with hipsters in Volkswagens riding up my ass in a marked county vehicle?

#360

Spin around.

#359

The hierarchy of insults is not a straight line.  It is a great tree with many branches.

#358

I like guns that reload themselves.

#357

It's a video game, not a painteo game.

#356

Everybody jo-ogcon.

#355

Eyes are the nipples of the face.

#354

You have the right of way, keep moving.  God, you're so considerate, I hate you.

#353

Grumpy old people and their drug ponies.

#352

Man, I know I said I don't miss people, but that was then.

#351

I really need to write these down as soon as I think of them.  I lose so many just by forgetting them.

#350

Seems to be picking up from the holidays.

#349

It's not exactly rocket sonnets.

#348

Science, Science, Science, it's all good.

#347

See that?

#346

Channel the boredom.

#345

This is the coolest thing but it's also the absolute worst.

#344

Say you had a gallon of gasoline.  Would you get more heat from using it to fuel a generator that powers an electric heater or by just burning the gas itself?

#343

It's becoming more and more apparent that most people who try to design "cool" "new" "guns" for Call-of-Duty-esque games haven't the faintest idea how firearms work.

#342

Do you ever get hot enough that you start getting cold flashes?

#341

They did it.  They brought Bionicle back, and it doesn't even look terrible.  Actually well done, Lego.

#340

I have no idea what this is from but I really like it.

#339

Let's go play Halo.

#338

There is a huge difference between being "sexually explicit" and "containing a scene that barely qualifies as a sex scene."  Namely, whatever movie you think you saw and Iron Man 3.

#337

I'm sorry, I'm not sure we're talking about the same movie here.

#336

Science has proven that snow is definitively better than leaves.

#335

Boom,

Clap,

Eating a boat

Is harder than you think na na na na na.

#334

I feel kinda bad about it.  If you're reading this, Mike from Chick-fil-a, I apologize, I shouldn't have lied like that.

#333

Why did I order lunch in an english accent? I didn't even realize I was doing it until it was too late to stop.

#332

Copious amounts of drinking.