#970

Apparently I really like sad games.

#969

I want garlic bread more than you can possibly imagine right now

#968

Lance Henrikson always looks like he just lost 100 lbs.

#967

Come on Jan, I sent you an invitation to my birthday, albeit for my own amusement, but the least you could do is respond to say you're not coming.

#966

And that's including the chainsaw that's also a Nerf gun.  So yeah.

#965

You're the only chainsaw I will cuddle.

#964

Ed Sheeran doesn't love anyone 71 years or older.

#963

The answer is to treat guns like cars.

#962

On the off chance that anyone from Adobe is reading this, Creative Cloud is a travesty and you don't deserve any more of my money, and you should feel bad for being a part of it.

#961

The whole plot of Wall-E could have been averted if people just smashed their trash into the tables at Chipotle.

#960

Now your nose has touched aluminum for today.

#959

The pain is like bees, if you ignore it it will go away.

#958

Can mosquitoes get drunk from drunk people?

#957

Folks.

#956

There goes my perfect record.

#955

We still love you, desk, it doesn't matter if you're gay.

#954

This is all Ethan's fault.

#953

If I could sign up for like, a subscription to ceviche and just have someone deliver it to me every day, that would be ideal.

#952

If the government was hiding aliens or Godzilla or whatever, they would be in the most secret places on earth, teacher's lounges.

#951

I guess I got no choice but to get swole.

#950

Ship captains really love Bomber Man.

#949

Humans existed seconds after dinosaurs went extinct.

#948

Hermes guide you, brother.

#947

Holy crap, this quesadilla.

#946

Holy crap, this duck.

#945

Jath rhyzzms.

#944

I'm considering taking a break after 1,000.

#943

Seriously, Adam?  Whatever, man, I'm getting ceviche.

#942

Spider-Man is just thunderening across all the territoritories.

#941

100% celibate pizza.